SINGLE

As of Monday October 26, 3:26pm I am single. Or I guess divorced, but hell I've never been big on labels. I'm glad that seeing as I had no choice in the matter that it is over now, sad that I had to loose so much that I care about and love to be the me I need to be. -sigh-

I think the amount of friends I have that are in town has reached a whopping 0, and it is kinda depressing thinking about the sheer numbers of people that have vacated my life since I came out. Mind you that no one wants to be that "You're a trans weirdo freak, and I never want to talk to you again" open kind of bigot, people just don't seem to have the time to return phone calls are hang out anymore, and then one day you realize you haven't talked to so and so for over four months, and are probably not really friends anymore. -double sigh-

Things are not all bad, I have a great group of friends online, and although it kinda does lack the human interaction that non interweb friends have, I love these girls a lot, and count them as the real deal friendships. And people said I was wasting my time playing World of Warcraft :)

Anywhoo, I will try to update this more often than every time I get divorced.... so until then take care.
Alexandria

falling apart

It has been several weeks now since my wife left me. Nothing has changed for me. It appears as though my life has been put on pause. This is the main reason for my lack of updating this blog, today could easily be early July and I could not tell the difference. I somehow need to get out of my apathy. I need to find something to care about again. Something.

Wrong argument

Today I was chatting with a friend of mine about how successful (or unsuccessful) the gay movement has been lately. Like a lot of conversations along these lines we got bogged down for a bit in the choice/not-a-choice debate. So long as this is an issue it slows down the movement; and the problem with it is that it doesn't even matter what the truth of whether or not gayness is a choice even turns out to be.

When I said this he was like, "but if it is not a choice then people need to accept it, because that is just how we are". Yes, this is the traditional logic behind it, and it has caused those who oppose gay civil rights to create less than credible Research (kind of like the stuff the tobacco companies used to come up with) to say that homosexuality is a choice. The response needs to be, "SO WHAT"

A quick review of American civil rights does in fact come up with a list that is dominated by things people generally can not change: race, ethnicity, country of origin, sex (hehe this one is funny to me). Then there is one more. Religion! Now, whatever anyone thinks about ontological claims the various religions claim, one can not miss the fact the people can CHOOSE to be whatever religion they want. In fact, one could be a different religion every day of the week, not that this ever happens. So we are left with a question. What does religion have in common with the other "immutable" characteristics on the list?

Self identity! All of the things that people should not discriminate other by are fundamental components of ones self identity. Even religion, the obvious choice, is still at the core of who some people are. to deny them this, or oppress them for their choice, would be harming a fundamental part of who they are as people. As such, we can see how this is hurtful and wrong.

One only needs to see on pride parade to understand just how fundamental sexuality is to the self identity of the gay community. In fact it is the only thing that separates us from the heteros. As a fundamental part of who we are, oppressing and denying civil rights to the gay community is wrong for the same reason that oppressing Muslims, or Christians would be wrong.

I believe straight folk have a hard time empathising with, and thus supporting, the gay movement because the conversation generally does not turn to those things we have in common, instead focusing far to much on our small differences. Everyone understands self identity, for without it we are not persons. As such, I think we can get more straight folk to understand that, choice or no, opposition to a group of people fighting for their self identity and civil rights is wrong. We need to move the dialogue in a new direction; a direction that will allow more people to understand just what we are doing.

Alexandria

Harry Potter, and the deepening sadness

Okay harry potter came out this weekend, and I'm sure it is a good movie. When the books first came out I thought they were just children's books and did not pay attention for a few years. Jamie however loved them. Because my partner really enjoyed the story I got involved. I stood in line for hours at book release parties, went to see the movies the night they came out, hell I even went as Ron to a Halloween party so the Jamie could be Harmione. Even our cat was named Crookshanks. I ended up liking the story, and we would listen to the books on CD on long car rides, and as background noise for our apartment when going to sleep.

Now, the new movie is out, and I'm no longer with Jamie. I asked her if she wanted to go with me to see it, it could be the start of our friendship after our romantic relationship was over. She said she would think about it, but never called me back. I kinda want to still go, I know I could find someone to go with, it is just that this was something we always did together. Just another reminder that my life is never going to be the same. Better, worse, I don't know, but never the same.

well, life goes on, and I am not too bent out of shape over this, just noticing things are different now. Until next post

Alex

it is a start

today I got up, and went for a run. It is something that I have been meaning to do for some time, but we all know what they say about good intentions. So I just did it. I didn't keep running for the whole 2 miles, but tomorrow is another chance at it. I'm still all messed up inside, this kinda hit me unexpectedly. I guess the one that gets left doesn't always see it coming. Anyway, it gets me out of bed, work off some tummy, and makes me clean myself up for the day. Wow, even the little things like that are hard right now.

I went to see Jamie's parents last night. They were very supportive as I knew they would be. They are great people and I will miss them very much. We talked,cried,and laughed a little bit. Even though J and I were only married 3 years, we were together for 14, and her family was there for that whole time too. I am loosing much more than just one person here.

Later in the night i called Jamie's brother (her only sibling) that I have known since he was 9. He will always be like a little brother to me. Over the last two years Jamie kept talking me out of telling him about me, I wish I would have ignored her. I could tell it was hard on him to get flooded with all this information so fast and over the phone. Oh well can't change the past. He is coming into town in a few weeks and we have plans to grab a beer.

One foot in front of the other for now
Alexandria

what a shitty month

My life has taken a complete dump. three weeks ago I needed to walk out on my job; my boss and very old friend was cheating me out of pay. That influenced a new bout of depression, but I have started therapy on that.

The cat Jamie and I have had for a long time finally lost her struggle with heart disease. Jamie and her mom put her down on Monday. She was 14 and had a good long full life where she met lots of people and had lots of love. 14 years is a good run for a cat.

Things between my wife and I became strained until she just did not want me around anymore. We finally discussed it in a series of talks over three days. What came out of it was that she was just not in love with me anymore, and that I was not, and in some cases was incapable, of meeting her needs anymore. She is a straight woman, and being married to a transsexual was in the end just too hard.

Although, it is a massive blow to me I do understand where she is coming from. She tried very hard to be with me. Although she knew I was trans before we got married, she did not know when we started dating or when we fell in love. The whole thing was really unfair to her. I love her enough that I do not want her to be with me if I, and our relationship, is the cause of so much pain to her.

Now I have no job, no wife, and no direction in my life. What I do have is a whole crapload of paralyzing emotions. I just don't know how to take that next first step. I am sure I will find the path soon, just not today.

Fourteen years is a good run
Alex and Jamie (10 May 1995 - 7 July 2009)

Back from the dead

I wasn't dead just really tired most nights when I got home from work. Alas, my time at the boat shop is over. I never liked working as a boat mechanic, but we needed the money, so I sucked it up and turned the wrenches. That time is over now; not because we have any more money, but for the fact that I was being cheated at work. I refuse to let people take advantage of me, even if those people are my supposed friends.

My pay had gotten leaner and leaner as the summer moved along, even though I was doing more work. I was confused. I trusted my boss, who was a personal friend of mine since junior high. I mean friends do not cheat each other, especially good friends! I work between 40-50 hours a week, but my last payment was only $150, it just dosn't make sense. I made $$ at 20% labor hour on the jobs I did. Labor was $97 an hour, I should make decent money. Last Saturday he was not in, and I was trying to determine how much I was owed. One job in particular stood out as odd. It was an engine swap and conversion to a long shaft outboard motor, to do this you have to replace the shift shaft that is located under the powerhead. That means the whole motor has to come apart. I did the job. On my pay sheet it said labor of .75 hours. WTF! I consulted the master mechanic about how much he would charge for the job, and he came up with about 2.5 hours. Paying me less than 1/3 was just crazy, so even in this ecconomy I had to leave. Fuck my life!

Now my hands are finally clean for the first time this summer, festival season is next week, but I don't know how we are going to pay the rent, or any other bills for that matter. I will try and be more dedicated to updating, at least once a week.

Alex

Ben Stein, Reason eludes you, your'e expelled for being dangerous

I was at the movie rental store last night and saw that Ben Stein's movie eXpelled was on DVD now. I actually saw that movie in the theater, I love arguments, and intellectual pieces even if I don't agree with them. I watch "the other sides" arguments to see if they have any merit, and to keep up on how the dialogue of interesting issues is coming along, even if most programming today is directed at people who already agree with a position than giving reason to think a position is correct. See Fox news, and MSNBC for prime examples of directed content. On a side note sort of along these lines I had to go to the independent small theater to see Religilous by Bill Maher, while Stein's movie was in the major cinema. That's what I get for living in a conservative part of the country, oh well, not too big a deal.

As I stood in the movie store I remembered expelled as being one of the most intellectually dishonest films I had seem in quiet some time, maybe ever. It is never a good sign when you compare and make direct allusion to those who disagree with you being Nazis, or the fact that well over 90% of scientist agree with evolution theory with the Berlin wall. Come on, good propaganda is more subtle Ben.

It is not the fact that Stein made such a terrible film, but the fact that so few people actually know how to make rational arguments. I thought Stein was a reasonable intelligent man before this film. This of course goes hand in glove with Stein's anti-intellectual contempt. Really, why is it that so many American hate those who received an education, those that might just know what they are talking about instead of going with the gut? America was founded during the enlightenment, a time when a major part of entertainment was debates, and going to an establishment having a drink and discussing contemporary ideas of science, politics and philosophy. I guess American Idol hadn't been invented yet.

It saddens me today that all ideas get lumped together in a smorgasbord of pick and choose, where all ideas are equally valid. A world where, "well that's what I believe" gets people off the hook for holding moronic and dangerous ideas. I'm not a superstitious person, and if peeps could somehow segregate their beliefs into religious (private, and not to be forced on others), and public (ideas that are used to vote on public policy) I'm cool with that. It doesn't happen. Nope, the religious want prayer in public schools and everywhere else, abortion made illegal, even though they know such a thing would lead to the deaths of many women, that we pretend creationism is a science, oppression of gays and women, Christianity is the only religion that matters, and I know I'm leaving other equally destructive positions out but there is a sampling of how religion is dangerous.

Even worse religion masks itself as an authority on morality. You think all those peeps fighting to have the 10 commandments placed on government property is innocent. Only two of the ten commandments are actually illegal in the U.S., and I guess I have enough respect for humanity to think we can come up with: don't steal my shit and I will not kill you all on our own. Yeppers, theft and murder, I don't know how we would have come up with that without talking snakes, and guys that walk on water. Thanks religion!

This stuff was plausible and even acceptable in a time before we figured out why it rained, and other natural phenomenon. People need answers to things, and religion gave the ancients those answers. We however know the truth; we do not have the same excuse. Thor doesn't make thunder and lightning. It is time we grow up, stop the anti-intellectualism, read a nice book, and enter into grown up conversation.

Ah I feel better
Alexandria

Frozen fish, and Richard Gere

After a hot shower, i think my fingers work well enough to type. My friend mike and I finished up early at the boat shop where we work today, and decided to go perch fishing. After months of Michigan winter, the now ice free Muskegon lake called to us. Unfortunately no one told the wind blowing in off Lake Michigan that it is supposed to be spring now, and the wind chill dropped a nice 51 degree day into a 20 degree bone rattling hypothermia inducing, hand numbing couple hours out on the water. We still caught some nice fish, and although cold was nice to be outdoors again. until my cell phone rang.

My old roommate and good friend from college called. Dave is getting his PhD in philosophy from South Florida (the golden bulls), but for the last few days he has been playing hooky to got to half a dozen spring training baseball games. I guess today was New York vs Boston, and he had VIP seats. In the Tampa sun, drinking cold beer, watching a game, while I am narrowly holding frostbite at bay in Michigan. I might have hung up on him in contempt if my thumbs had worked at the time.

The coup de grace happens when he says that on his way to get his sixth, yes 6th FREE pregame beer, he meet and chatted about the upcoming season with Mr. pretty woman himself Richard Gere. Oh and Reggie Jackson and some other baseball players I don't remember their names.

HeHe, I'm glad you had fun Dave, and I'm only a little jealous, mostly of the warm weather; but should you ever get tickets to Red Wings training camp and I'm not there you had better take that secret to the grave with you, or I just might hasten you there. I'm going to eat some tasty pearch now.

Love you Dave
Alexandria

Therapy, Gatekeepers, and Other Bullshit

I'm about to start with a new therapist again next month. Third one in three years. This new one is because of the move, I am not driving from Muskegon to Ann Arbor to see my old talky doc that is almost three hour drive. So I'm finding a new one; not because I really want one or need one, but these are the steps trans people take to get what we want later down the road.

I'm not opposed to talky docs in general, it can really help some people to work through their emotional baggage, but what do you do if you don't have anything to talk about? I know, "Alex your trans how can you not have stuff to deal with?" Well sorry to disappoint but I went through a real self introspection all by my lonesome a few years back. (when I had the drinking problem, or just after that I guess) I worked through any remaining gender issues I had, stopped drinking and using drugs as escapism, and in general got my head on straight. But somehow, NOW I need therapy and it is all the gatekeepers fault.

Gatekeepers: the well intentioned medical community that is more of a hindrance than an aid.

These are the people we turn to to help us live the lives we desire, we need, to be complete people. Unfortunately, the sad fact is that they think we are liars. Oh they smile to our faces, but a close observation leads to the conclusion that they don't believe us. Consider birth defects of the limbs and severe burn cases. A person with a malformed hand or leg is not forced to submit to years of psychotherapy before they can even get a surgical consult. If someone gets burned and no longer feels they look the way they want to look, they do not have to see multiple psychologists before they receive reconstructive plastic surgery. Yet these are the hoops that transsexuals are forced to jump through. They real question is: why the difference? They think we are full of shit.

I've experienced it a few times, the claims that others just can understand what it would be like to be transsexual. Seriously, there are like dozens of comedy movies about gender switches and the rather funny emotional distress the switch puts on people. So lets face it, people know what it would be like, and they know that it can be harmful to live that way. Why then the charade. The truth is that people don't believe the transgendered community. They either think we are confused, with some unresolved childhood trauma, gay people that can not come to terms with homosexuality, or just kinda pervy. Even those with good intentions don't take us seriously.

Because transgenderism HAS to be in our heads, they come up with a mental health diagnosis, and drop us in therapy, hoping to all hopes we might just snap out of it and decide to go with the gender that corresponds to our biological sex. I've met and talked to many a transperson, and the only ones that ever stopped did so so that she could put food on the table. I get it. Transsexuality is a hard pill to swallow when normalcy and conformity are valued so highly, but I would like to see just a little bit of academic honesty out of the medical community. Maybe its the money.

Therapy to talk about things you already know before walking in the door, costs between $200-$75 dollars each session, a few times a month for several years. $4800-$1800 bucks a year seems like a mighty good idea to extend therapy as long as possible. Hell I'm a wee bit jaded, but that a lot of money.

Look if therapy helps some people out or gives them a warm fuzzy, and someone to validate how they feel with a diagnosis, all well and good, but fuck Harry Benjamin for this one size fits all treatment designed after shoddy research. Therapy just costs me money and time and I am in limited supply of both. I recall spending 45 min talking about women in sports that cost me $125. *Sigh*

Off to do the bidding of the man
Alexandria

Civics is more than a 6 week elective

J and I had a brief stop over at the in laws tonight. I don't remember how it came up but civics being taught in schools bounced around our discussion for a bit. Apparently one teacher in the school where my mother-in-law works (she is also a teacher there) is teaching civics during homeroom. The kids learn about government no where else in the school.

YAY for no child left behind! So long as the test scores in math reading and science stay up, who gives a shit if Joe the plumber doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground. World history is not just the Boston tea party. The Pilgrims where not American. and Rosa Parks was more than just a tired lady who didn't want to move. You hear it all the time, people can't name the three branches of government, let alone the name of even three supreme court justices.

Lets assume high school still teaches civics to seniors for one class one semester. WOW! For all the bullshit reasons people toss around about why our country is the way it is, maybe not teaching the younger generations how the government works, what their rights are, and how things got to be the way they are could be a real cause behind the apathy in civic action.

We need to carry civics beyond school, and live them. Take the action we need in life to make our world a better place. Maybe I am more sensitive being one of the most oppressed groups in the U.S., but taking part in our democracy (representative republic actually) is all of our responsibilities. Take action. Take action even in small ways to be the change you want to see in the world.

Okay Redwings are about to start
Alex

My mother loves me enough to cause me pain

Short post today, I don't feel all that well. This is mostly due to the fact that I have one less tooth than I had this morning. The dentist pulled out one of my wisdom teeth that was causing my some sleepless nights. Because I'm uninsured my mother helped pay for the extraction, now I'm bleeding and a wee bit high.

Funny thing is, having no insurance is better than having bad insurance. I looked into getting my teeth fixed last year when Jamie still had an upper level job at MSU. (Michigan State) Our co-pay ad out of pocket cost was about $1500. Sorry we didn't just have that much cash just lying around the house, so it didn't get done. Now I have no insurance so programs for the insured cut the cost to $380, and not I have better teeth, or at least one less of them. Wow, is all I can say when people without coverage can get the care they need, and people with coverage get nothing.

Well, until I feel better
Alex

Ah the kids

My sister has three children 14 year old twins (B&G) and a 12 year old girl. The last few years of high school they lived with my parents and I. We are very close. So after talking to my sis last week, Jamie and I had dinner with them tonight and I told them about my plans and my gender status.

I was a bit nervous I will admit. I have never told anyone that is not an adult before this. It was unclear how much preexisting information they had, and how they would react differently than adults. They took the news in stride, asked a few questions, and we had a few laughs.

I was bad. I started by telling them about how people are different, and talked a bit about genetic variation and birth defects. I paused and said, "I only have three months to live!" My nephew broke the plastic fork he was holding. We all laughed hard. It lightened the mood and I when on to explain transition, and what to expect. Then we ate pie, and played some card games.

The most common question from anyone I tell has always been, and was again tonight, about whether or not Jamie and I will stay together. Jamie is a straight woman, but when we talk it is clear that what she loves about me is a lot more than my sexy male exterior. Love is a deep and complex thing, and love goes more than skin deep. I hope I give no impression that my transition is no big deal, but love isn't always easy. Hell, life is not always easy, but you know that.

Today was a pretty good day overall, until next time
Alex

Transsexual: no true Scotsmen

I'm kinda miffed right this sec. Just scrolling through some feminist forums I browse now and again, and there is a thread on Transwomen. Okay cool. I start following the posts and bam, "Transwomen aren't real women." The conversation becomes derailed after that, but a lot of people seemed to agree. Now whatever one thinks about trans women in general aside, the comment is fallacious anyway.

Most people recognize that gender is socially constructed. This is why tribal women, European women, Asian women, and Canadian women act generally different from each other in specific ways. Their roles in their society are slightly different, as are pastimes and interests. Even what makes there different women attractive varies over cultural lines. Very obvious, and not too much disagreement. So, I think I can conclude that there is a broad spectrum of womanliness that encompasses all these different groups and behaviors. That's a pretty big umbrella. Even inside particular cultural groups the interests and behaviors of women vary considerably. Moreover there are numerous outliers found in only the genetic female XX grouping.

I think Transwomen are just one more group that fits under that big ass umbrella.

The argument put forward on the forum went something like: transwomen aren't women because.

• Can't have babies
• don't have the right sex organs
• don't naturally produce estrogen
• are not XX chromosomal
  
• are really just men
  

There were the points I found on in the specific thread, I know there are more. First, the first four are about being female, not women. I don't believe I have a magic chromosome wand, I will always be male in sex, can't change that just biology. problem is, we aren't talking about sex, but rather gender, and as I pointed out above, gender is created, not birthed. Not to mention that fact that many XX women can't, for one reason or another, do those things either. Some women are XO chromosomally. Ah, biological diversity doesn't play by our dichotomy rules, gotta love it.

The last one falls into the no true Scotsmen fallacy. Basically one redefines the term Ad hoc after a counter example is presented. It goes like follows.

Claim:
"No Scotsman puts sugar on his porridge".

This is countered with:
"My friend Angus is a Scotsman and likes sugar with his porridge".

The following rejoinder to this exception is:
"Ah yes, but no TRUE Scotsman puts sugar on his porridge".

The oddest part of the whole exchange was the readiness the posters had to the removal of transmen from their ranks. Oh well, just another example of transphobia I guess. I just wish people that the courage to be bigoted. I dislike the klan as much as the next girl, but at least they are honest about it. Don't use terrible reasoning to mask predjidice it just doesn't work. Oh well, I guess people can think whatever the hell they want, even if they are wrongheaded about it.

until next time
Alex

Alex this is your life the conclusion thus far

This post might not be for the squeamish. I hit rock bottom, and tales of attempted suicide are never part of polite dinner conversation. I pulled myself out of it and here I am, so there. Well here goes. During high school I convinced myself that as long as I kept moving and striving for maleness eventually it would come to me. Oh, I can play the part of a man really really well, years of copying the behavior of others will do that. Humphrey Bogart has nothing on my acting skills.

The maleness I was seeking never materialized, the trying just left me in pain. After i graduated high school, I moved on to college. with several school vying for me to play football for them I had some options. I ended up going to Ferris State. At the time it was a division two national title contender. I could have played at a major program, but I wanted to be the big fish as accolades from others were the only thing holding me together by then.

College sucked. There was nothing wrong with it, there was something wrong with me. When not practicing and going to class, I was left alone in my room with my thoughts. My family and Jamie were back in Muskegon, and I could just not shake the thought in my head when I was alone. I fell into a pretty good funk. I would play on the Internet in the computer labs (oh yeah, Netscape was my friend). Sitting in the back near the wall so no one could look over my shoulder, I looked into what the net had to say about me. It was enlightening, but every time I was in a chat room (hehe remember those things) talking to people about transgender stuff, I would always hate myself when I was done.

Eventually this let to the biggest shame purge ever, well for me anyway. College football must not be manly enough, so I quit. I still have minor regret about this, I was a good ball player, and now I will never know just how good. Don't worry, it doesn't keep me up nights. I quit football. I quit going to class. I failed every class but one. I got an A in intercollegiate athletics somehow.I quit my life. I needed to find something super manly, I needed to fix myself. I joined the army.
Not just the army, I joined the infantry. To get into the army you have to take a test called the asvab Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery (ASVAB). I think I missed one question. Every single job in the U.S. Army was available to me. I chose the infantry. I wanted to be an elite ranger, jumping out of planes and all that. Surly this was manly enough to fix me.

Basic training was a breeze, I finished top in my class, got a promotion on the spot. Did I get a cool ranger training post, or maybe SF? Nope. It was off to Ft. Irwin CA for me. hottest place on earth, seriously it is, it shared a border with Death Valley. It is in the middle of the Mojave desert. My job was to be part of the force that trained the rest of the army in large scale battles. I think the desert baked my brain, I was there 3 1/2 years.

I wasn't long after I got to Ft. Irwin that I came to realize this plan had failed too. Unlike football however, the army just don't let you quit. So I'm in the army, still feeling like a girl, only this time there are room inspections, so I can't even cross dress much. Instead I started drinking.

A typical day started a 6:15 with roll out formation for PT. push-ups sit-ups and a 3-5 mile run. go to work in the motor pool and get done at 1700h. I go to the class 6, military for liqueur store, but a case of beer, rent a movie and start drinking. Everyday. when I wasn't drunk I would do drugs. The army piss tests all the time so my drug of choice was LSD. I got into the rave circuit in LA and Vegas pretty good. guess what? Yeppers, it didn't work either. A bunch of my friends got real messed up from the drugs and alcohol, most got caught and either kicked out or lost rank and received extra duty.

One night when I was feeling partially puny, I drank a case of beer, a pint of vodka, and a handful of pain pills. I laid on my bed and just waited to die, then all the pain would be over. I woke up the next day with a nice headache. My go at killing myself failed, but it got me to thinking about life. Why the hell would anyone want to live with as much emotional pain as I felt? I spent a lot of time thinking about my life and the things that cause me pain. The first to go was my religion. I dumped Christianity and became Buddhist. A very nice religion by the way. I really tore into it. I learned to meditate, I did research on intellectual topics, like the meaning of life and suffering.

Buddhism played a huge role in my accepting myself. Suffering is caused by desires conflicting with your state of affairs. My suffering was because I was a man that needed to be a woman. I worked my way through to self acceptance. It was okay to just be me. I'm not Buddhist anymore, but Buddhist teaching continue to shape my life. I don't really do religion and other superstitions anymore.

I was still stuck in the army for another year, but at least I didn't hate myself anymore. real quick, after I got out of the army, I went back to school. Had to go to a community college as I had all F on my transcripts from Ferris. after two years I transferred to Michigan State, got a degree in philosophy. Made a lot of friends and am quite happy.

I married Jamie almost three years ago, she is the most supportive and loving person I have ever known. She is my rock. I'm taking a few years off to finish transitioning, or at least most of the way, before grad school.

This is my story, and I'm sticking to it
Alex

Alex this is your life continued

15 until 22 where the hardest times of my life thus far gender wise. On the outside I was happy and carefree, successful and confident; inside I was falling apart. After one too many fights in public school, my parents sent me to Catholic Central. Dress code, religious indoctrination, the whole nine yards. The smaller school was nice, I had a chance to start fresh, stop trying to be top dog with my fists. I embraced Catholicism, and even went on poverty relief missions to Mexico. Sports were still a big part of my life. I received 11 letters in football, track, and wrestling. I stopped being violent, and became the crazy will do just about anything free spirit. I was pretty popular, being the big jock around campus.

I didn't work very hard at school, didn't have to. I did just enough homework that when I aced the tests I maintained a B- average. Although I still can't spell to this day. Bless you creator of spell check.

I was still trying to hide my gender issues even from myself with sports. I was trying to do enough masculine things so that I would actually like being a man. I was very good at sports too. I received All-State honors in football, and led my team to a state title in 95. Eventually, my performance in football led to scholarship offers to college, but I get ahead of myself.

Add to that I immersed myself in Christianity. I started thinking that my feelings were sins, and I hated myself for my thoughts. At one point I convinced myself that my feelings were a test from god, and god would not give me anything i could not handle, so I just needed to pray more and fight my desires. It was very destructive mentally. I spent many nights crying myself to sleep. Even with that much shame going on in my head I still cross dressed when I was alone at home. Sometimes at night I would pack a backpack and climb out my window, walk to the park change clothes and just swing on the playground. The shame and self hate would always come back and I would though out all my girl cloths.

Funny story looking back. Once I used my mothers nighttime face lotions after she went to bed. I fell asleep without returning them. She came to me in the morning demanding to know why I had them. I could just not bring myself to tell her the truth, so I said I used it to masturbate. Oh was she mad, but at least my secret was safe. that was the kind of links I would go to so that no one, even those that loved me would not know my shame. things went on like this for several years.


During my teen years I was actually an attractive young man, I lifted weight and was in good shape. However, my early dating life was a wreck. Girls I was attracted to became friends instead of girlfriends. I think I just never gave off the right vibe. I could never just be myself, I mean how could I really.

At 17 the best thing in my life happened, I met a girl on the bus to a track meet: Jamie. Funny how things work, I was friends with a boy named Pete, and she with a girl named Cathy. Pete liked Cathy and Cathy liked me, so the four of us hung out a lot. As I knew Pete liked Cathy I spent time talking with Jamie.

She is great, Smart and witty, goofy and clumsy, because I was just making conversation so my friend could hit on the other girl I was just myself. And she liked me. we started dating soon after.

Being with Jamie was great. But also very VERY confusing. I liked her, I was attracted to her, but I also felt like I was a girl. Girls like boys. I love Jamie, she is the best thing to ever happen to me, but I think dating her really stunted my coming to terms with who I am. I would not change the delay for anything in the world. I love you Jamie!

Last life story up next ...
Alex

Alex this is your life

My last post was about being out. I am not a hypocrite. My name is Alexandria Marie Mason, but this was not always the case. Back in 1977, my parents had the first child of their marriage together, both of my parents were married before. I have a big fun loving messed up family. I am the fifth of six children. They named the red headed nightmare Eric. From early on I have been giving my parents fits, as I had terrible colic and screamed all the time. I was a happy kid, I played, ran around, loved playing with animals, and got real dirty all the time. I don't have good recollections of time before I started school, it all just kind of runs together before years had designators like third grade, and sophomore year.

As a child I could pretty much do and act however I pleased, so long as I was nice, so gender never really came up. I knew I had sisters and brothers, but their differences seemed unimportant. I started preschool in Muskegon at a building that is now a police station, odd. Preschool was the first time gender made a difference in anything. Girls to the right, boys to the left. To this day segregation via gender still seems like a unnecessary practice to me. I was friends with more girls than boys, but would move easily between playing with both groups.

This time in my life was the most influential thus far, and it was not in a positive way. Let us say that it was explained to me rather harshly that the way I behaved was not acceptable, and I MUST change. For almost the next twenty years this haunted me. So back at school I questioned everything I did, and how it would look to others. I became defensive and angry, anytime another child would tease me I would fight them. Unfortunately for the other kids I was one of this strongest. Many a playground bloody nose I left in my wake. I felt shame with myself and looked for a way to get approval from others.

Fortunately for a young boy in Michigan there is football. In fact in almost all sports I excelled at. I was picked first for teams on the playground. Adults and other kids of all kinds would come up to me and tell me how good I was. When I was unsure and felt conflicted about what i wanted to do and what the word demanded, sports became a place that i could escape were everyone loved me. Let me tell you no matter how much the Lions suck, football will always be #1 in Michigan. I played youth football from age 6 until junior high. Sports were an escape, but I did really like playing too. SO my early childhood included learning I was different, discovering that was bad, and finding a way to channel my energy into something else to hide my feelings from myself. YAY!

(It was a lot better than that, I am strictly speaking of gender here.)

To be continued ...
Alex

Stealth, Out, and Shame. S.O.S

Listen I know this probably will not come out right, and I want to be clear that throughout this post I am speaking only in generalities, but I am troubled by some of the practices that transpeople undertake in. Most specifically the idea of stealth. I don't like it, I don't think it works, it hurts us as a community of people, and it hurts very young transpeople for whom we are blazing a trail for them to follow.

Let us say the for this post we define stealth as a transgendered person pretending like her pre-transition life never happened. This is to differentiate stealth from passing; more on passing later. Basically as much as possible hide ones birth gender. Activities, accomplishments, hardships, friends, experiences, from before the transperson began the change of gender roles just don't seem to count anymore. Some transpeople go so far as having a funeral and new birthday for themselves.

Now I'm highly opinionated (a joke here is just too easy) and one thing I will argue until I'm hoarse is that people have freedom of choice in their lives. So, do not construe this as a critique, but more as an observation, both from what I have seen in others, but also reflections about how I feel about this issue myself. My point is this: if a person feels the need to hide some aspect of themselves, then on some level she is ashamed of the thing that needs to be hidden, and if the thing that needs to be hidden is a major part of her life, then she is ashamed of herself. I have dealt with this for many years, so my next post will be my story.

First, more on the difference between stealth and passing. By passing I mean on cursory inspection a person looks like the gender they are intending to present as. Passing makes tons of sense to me. The way a person can interact naturally in a gender role is if, and only if, both the actor and perceive believe the the person is in fact the gender they present as. Basically if you want to be treated like a woman/man people have to think you are one. Passing then, is just acting appropriately for a given social role. In drag this is entertainment, for crossdressers it is for fun, for transsexuals this is the truth. As I am a transsexual and I direct this at other transsexuals passing/being the gender roles we need to be is an expression of who we are, and it shares with the world our true natures.

I will not forget that I have over two decades of life and experiences, tears, and laughs, loves, and sufferings that preceded my transition. These experiences are equal in shaping who I am as any other factor in my life, and to pretend they never were is to lie. Passing = truth, stealth = lies! Before I came to accept what I was I spent a long time very angry and self loathing, I was ashamed of my feelings and who I was, so I hid. After I accepted myself I worried what others would think. I would be a freak, and I did not want that. I was ashamed so I hid. As I grow and become more confident in myself I embraced my transition, but I didn't tell my parents or family, because I feared they might abandon me, so I hid. Finally a tipping point and I just said fuck it! Sorry that's just my way.

Now it greatly concerns me that I could someday finish transition, pass effectively and then go back into hiding. It has taken years and struggle and character building to get myself to where I'm at now. Many other transwomen and men have made this journey as well. Why then why, after completing a journey that most people would be terrified of do we as transpeople attempt to act like none of it even happened? WTF

Finally, we cannot fight to take what is rightfully ours, an equal share of human freedom if we pretend as though we do not exist. How many normal and productive transpeople are out there that could show the world that we don't want to eat their delicious delicious brains? More, if we take this fight and win, then all transpeople that come after us might have a little easier road than we did. Goddamn I wish my road had been easier! Don't go into hiding. If you are under a rock in suburbia come OUT we need you. Be OUT, be trans, and be the whole you!

This message brought to you by people who support Alexandria Mason. 501(c)(4)
Alex

Hey, a question of personhood! Embryos?

Today the president gave an executive order lifting a ban on government funding for embryonic stem cell research. Oh course a great many people called this order unethical, equating the use of stem cells to murder. Does this even make sense? Not really.

Murder is an ethical term, and can only be applied to a ethically deserving being. One cannot murder a television, one can only destroy it. Ethical actions are acts that affect other concerned beings. This is a broader statement that includes the moral consideration for non-human beings. By this I mean my cat would be a very concerned being should someone attempt to kick her. but for the most part, when we talk about ethical decisions we are talking about decisions that affect other people, or more exactly persons.

This brings us to embryos, stem cells, abortions, and all manner of status, and ethical quandaries concerning early human life. My position is this: embryos, and fetuses do not receive moral consideration, because they lack personhood, they are not even concerned beings. Oh, they are human all right, they just are not persons, and it is personhood that warrants being an ethically deserving being. Lets consider all the activities, and states of being that persons do and are.

• Feel Emotions
• Think
• Interact with other persons
• differentiate the world around them
• Feel pain or suffer
• Have personalities, with likes and dislikes
• Are independently acting

I think I could go on with my list, these are very general so that they can include as many kinds of concerned beings as possible. So, how do embryos rate given the above standards of personhood? Well, .... they don't actually do ANY of these basic things. Seriously, think about it, they don't do anything. We could get into a protracted discussion as to whether my cat is a person or not, but simple observation tells us that my cat at least does all the things on the above list. A cat. Meow!

I know, I know your reading this saying yeah but, they are human. Or even better, they are potential persons, and therefor we must respect their future personhood. HA HA, got you there smarty pants philosopher lady! To be honest, I am conflicted on this point. Potential is the ability to do something in the future. But whatever that potential may be, it is important to admit that future states of affairs are very much non-existent states of affairs. So can something that doesn't exist be the resting place of moral concern?

If I were to make a bet for five dollars with Peter Pan and lose, do I owe The Pan the money? Hardly, Peter Pan is a fictional character, he doesn't exist, so I owe no one five dollars. I have as yet to see a reasonable argument for the ethical consideration of non-existent beings.

What remains are religious and superstitious positions that are based outside of reason and debate. Stem cell research is definitely not murder, nor is it unethical in any way. With all the possible cures to serious ailments awaiting discovery, today I say: well done Mr. President.
Alex

The Unknowing is Scary

I've been on HRT for about a year now. I've done my homework. Read countless testimonials and a ton of literature from other TS people. I've been to several therapists and counselors. You know the ones that take your money for the service of letting you come to your own conclusions. More on the gatekeepers of the transgendered world another time. Harry Benjamin can kiss my ass! Back on topic, but none of this really informs a person of just what taking the first few steps of transition are really like. So I sit here at my computer scared about the future and all awkward and terrifying moments that are to come.

I feel I've been lucky so far. I've come out to my wife, my family, my wife's family, and all of our close friends. So far, everyone has been very supportive, or at least accepting, I wonder if that will last as the man they knew for so long fades and a new woman replaces him. I fear for the transphobia I might face, I fear for the violence I could encounter, and I ask myself: why the fuck am I doing this?

When I'm absolutely honest with myself, an awful lot of the crap looses its meaning when looked at too closely. The genetic definitions we use for the binary sexes have many counter examples. Stereotypical gender expressions have all kinds of outliers. Things like race and ethnicity become vague to the point of meaningless when closely examined. The structures and labels we give to ourselves and to others are just a kind of social pointillism, sure it looks like a comprehensive image from far away, but is just so many dots up close.

So now I have reflected, and I am unsatisfied with being a man; I gravitate towards womanhood, but what does that even mean? Like so many other people I would actually really like to conform, just not to the box that I was assigned. Now, I'm boxless, kinda grouping forward uncertain of exactly what I'm looking for, because the concepts are just so hard to pin down. seriously, anyone tell me: what does it mean to be a woman? What are the necessary and sufficient conditions of womanhood?

I'm very confused, and kinds scared, but hell it is my life, I'm going to live it.
Alex

Rights: Thomas Jefferson is a Plagiarist

There was a pretty famous Englishman named john Locke who wrote abut "Life, Liberty, and Property" To American this should sound fairly familiar. Jefferson one of the founders wrote about Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness. No matter what modern christian revisionist would like you to think, the ideas surging during the founding of the United States are the ideas of humans like Locke, not any list of instructions bellowed by flaming shrubberies. So if we are to loose the fiction of rights as gifts from the gods, how do we justify such things?

Interestingly if you are an American it is all right there in the constitution.

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain the establish this Constitution for the United States of America

Rights are forged from WE THE PEOPLE! They are not a list of things that we are free to do, but rather, and more importantly, a list of prohibitions on the government. They tell the government that it SHALL NOT pass laws regarding a persons ability to do such and such. Rights are rules against government.

A person without society or government are naturally free. She can do whatever she feels like doing at the time. However, at the same time, she are limited to those goals that she can bring about all by herself. Can she have a car? Sure, if you can mine the ore, make metal and plastic and glass, and form all these raw materials into the finished object of her desire, all by herself. Oh, and then protect it so that someone else coming along doesn't just up and leave with it. This is what Thomas Hobbes was thinking when he described life for people in this state: No arts; no letters; no society; and which is worst of all, continual fear and danger of violent death; and the life of man, solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short. This sounds like it kinda sucks to me.

To overcome this we work together for the common good. But we needed a set of guidelines and institutions to make sure everyone played fair. So we created Ethics, and Governments. The better the two of these are the more liberty and happiness for the most people in the society. But, we didn't want the institutions we created for helping us get along make rules that had such rules been in place from the beginning we would never have agreed to come together. That is a very convoluted way of saying we didn't want rules that we just couldn't live with. Rules that limited us for simply being who we are; or even limitations on our most fundamental beliefs. To protect ourselves from this tyranny we TOOK some freedoms for ourselves, and would not let government come near them. We call these freedoms rights.

All people have taken the same rights for themselves. They are not special rights or privileges when these same rights are taken by unpopular groups. Our rights are not subject to interpretation through the lens of Flaming Shrubberies, Mt, Olympus, Ancestral Spirits or any other bullshit out there. These are our rights. These are My rights, and I'm taking them back!
Alex

I got mine

I was chit chatting with a friend the other day as we casually had the cable news on. It was a story about a protest over Prop 8 in Cali. A spokesman in favor of prop 8 came on and gave the weak litany of reasons he was in favor of it. Then something happened that actually made me sit up and take note. Without even a prompting from the reporter, the man goes on to say how today's gay rights moment has nothing in common with the civil rights movement. Initially a thousand arguments flew into my brain, as this is just not the case. An analogy between the two is in fact very apt, but in the world of perception and public opinion facts do not always hold nearly as much weight as they should.

So I started asking all the non-white people I know well enough to ask. For me, I don't have to know you all that well to ask about how we should treat other people. I was surprised to find that about half of the racial minority I spoke with (certainly nothing scientific or anything) thought there was in fact a significant difference between the two causes. Not just along lines of who was in them, but more substantively. This difference was most often expressed as the fact that skin color cannot be hid or denied. Being closeted or on the down-low is a sore spot for some people. Basically a lot of people think that GLBT issues are a matter of choice. Either, a choice in being OUT, or a choice in self-identifying as lesbian/gay, or both.

To be fair, the other half saw only the limiting of proper freedoms from a group of people solely because they are different for those in power. This is the inclusive thought about civil rights that I have always had.

Even when pointing out that the same tired arguments against gay marriage are the same as they were for interracial marriage, many people are unmoved to sympathy. here is a small example of the type of rhetoric from anti-interracial marriage proponents. These types of marriages are “abominable,” according to Virginia law. If allowed, they would “pollute” America. This and a slew of other quasi quotes I got from www.buddybuddy.com

So I started to do some looking and it turns out that black alone voted almost 70% for prop 8 in California. I don't understand this so I looked for someone who did. I found William Saletan and his article Original Skin Blacks, gays, and immutability. I link it here http://www.slate.com/id/2204534/ I found it informative, and saddening.

In the end as a lesbian and transsexual person I am pretty hurt by the I got mine, now Fuck You attitude, and for those in the world who will still hate me because I'm a bit different ... I'm going to judge you on the content of your character.
Alex

Being poor sucks

Yeppers, being poor sucks. Moreover, being only relativistically poor in an affluent society makes you feel like crap. i know things could be a ton worse, and I appreciate the fact that I'm not homeless, or bankrupt, but I have no health or dental insurance, we get the government cheese on a bridge card, and we still can't always keep up with things. Oh yeah, and my teeth hurt some days so much I can't sleep at night. RAWR.

I have a degree from a major university, and I still can't find a job. Between J and I we have 80k in student loans, and another 15k in credit cards all so that we could get the degrees that are not helping in the slightest to find reasonable work. When I was in school I used to tell this joke, "What did the philosopher say on her first day at work? Would you like paper or plastic?" It turns out to not be a joke.

SO in a few day a good friend is letting me work as a boat mechanic at his shop, even though my skills with a wrench are pretty bad. I mean if your not going to be a professor or what DO you do with a degree in philosophy? Seriously. I thought I did want to go on and be Dr. Mason, teach new students how to think instead of just buy into all the bullshit that passes for information in the world today. But my last year and the foreign language requirement dropped my GPA until no one wanted me in their grad program. I STILL CAN'T SPEAK FRENCH! Yar this is like on of those angsty teenagers writing about how their boyfriend dumped them so he could bone the cheerleader. Bone the cheerleader save the world.
So on that note, I'm out. Next time I type my hands might be covered in oil, but my mine will still trudge on.
Alex

I like jumping in leaf piles

Well two posts and a comic in, I think I should type just a bit about myself. Not some coming out or self discovery story (at least not yet), but the kind of things that I like. because well, these will probibly be what I write about, so if you are way into kniting cute bunny slippers, well ... I probibly will never write about that agin so yeah.

Pancakes - greatest food ever!
Spider-Man
RedWings Hockey
Metallica
Lake Michigan
Running through leaf piles, also includes jumping
David Gauthier
Making Jamie Laugh
Niel Diamond
...

Holy crap, I can't just make a list this is boring as fuck. Okay, when I was young I loved sports. I played almost everything. Mostly I liked the fact that everyone thought I was good, and if your not very happy with other stuff in your life you gravitate to things like that. Played football until I lost interest during my first shot at college. Yeppers collegiate athlete right here. I still like watching college football (the NFL is a joke), and hockey. I never played hockey, but has to be the greatest spectator sport ever.

I love being outdoors. hiking or just walking through the woods, the beauty of how light filters though the trees. I like the Zen of nature. Nothing is forced, it just is, it doesn't try to fit in, or BE something. It simply is. Rocks don't have existential dilemmas. When I really need to think about crap, or get caught up in too much pettiness, it is time for a hike up a Lake Michigan sand dune. Plus the view kicks ass.


I like thinking. I don't have to agree with you, and I probably rarely will, but if it is clear someone has reflected is is not simply regurgitating pre-canned partially hydrogenated halfassed thought-feelings, I'll listen and respect those thoughts. My time in philosophy pitted me arguing about all kinds of funky ideas, and it was alway fun to do. Mostly this was do to a free exchange and peeps not knowing the "truth" of things, but being open to conversion to that which has more reason. Everyday I wish the whole world was like that. That and free pancakes.

I love comics as the most advance form a literature. Hells yeah. From cave paintings till now, pictures tell stories. That and I learned more about ethics and how to live the right kind of life from Peter Parker than I did from the Bible. I'm obsessed with webcomic, and will probiblt write one of my own sometime soon. They are free to read, and there are some amazing artist out there too.

Well thats a little bit about me.
Alex

Zombie Jesus

Okay I am teaching myself to draw, and have an insane interest in webcomics. So here is a little piece I did. Hope you enjoy it.

real quick on ethics

Yesterday, I left off on a short note on ethics. I know from many conversations that a lot of people do not know how ethics actually work. Once upon a time, there was a fantastically smart man named Thomas Hobbes. He came to the realization that ethics an most of human interaction is governed by an overarching agreement that we call the social contract. The social contract predates governments, religions, it is the foundation that allows us to move beyond a small circle of family and friends and trust strangers. At first it was very simple.

Don't steal my shit, and I will not kill you.

It is simple, but it is also an agreement, and a code of conduct. As social interaction became more intricate, so to did the contract. It is an evolving understanding that seeks to maximize the opportunities to pursue ones desires, while regulating individuals from pursuing goals that are harmful to other people around them. This means several things. It took a reasoning mind and a force of collective will that every rational person came to understand and agree that harming people based on skin color or place of origin was wrong. Today we are currently undergoing this transformation again for LGBT people. It is wrong to harm or treat poorly or unfairly any person solely because she is different from you.

At some point I will get into why religion cannot give us ethics, but for anyone wishing to investigat solo, the answer to this was given 2500 years ago by Plato, in his dialogue Euthyphro.
check it out it is online and actually a good read.
Untill later
Alex

FREEDOM, and other non-racist Mel Gibbson sayings,

I'm Alexandria and I'm a trans-woman.

There are many things that go into the above sentence. A statement of self. Inclusion in a community. Oppression and ostracism from mainstream life. Yeppers, we don't show up in any hallmark moments cards. Various nouns, verbs and grammatical structures conjuring images of Jerry Springer like talk shows, coffee house whispers of, Is that a chick or a dude. I could go on with this list for awhile, but the thing I want to point at first is that it is a statement about conformity and freedom.

Humans love conformity. We love it so much we jump on the latest trends in a massive cuddlebomb of sweaty scratching black Friday at walmart madness; and save our ridicule of those same trends for when we are secure in the knowledge that everyone within earshot hates dogs that fit into purses with the same vile loathing as we do. We love conformity so much that we set aside what we really want, and who we really are for a more easily digestible you that fits in with corporate America and the in-laws. Even when we REBEL we get tramp stamps, nose rings or some other very scandalous yet culturally sanctioned fuck off to the man. Hell peer pressure is to blame for everything from teen pregnancy to Ann Coulter having a career. But if all the above has not convinced you that conformity is the greatest of all human compulsions. Then I will pull forth the big guns. The conformer that has unquestioned authority: The restroom sign!


Gender, and along with it what public restroom we use, is something most of us never give a second thought about. Some things just are the way they are and nuff said really. With all this conformity entrenched in our lives, most of it we are barley conscious of, what is the point, and how would freedom even enter the discourse? Well every trans person you have ever even heard about is at some level an embodiment of freedom in life.

I think freedom is the first thing you norms out there should learn from the freaks and weirdos that the world hates and fears because of our superpowers. Wait, am I still thinking of trans people or the X-men? Not that it matters freedom applies in both cases. I'm not talking about legal freedoms here either, that is just too limiting too narrow. No, I'm talking about freedom in life. The freedom to live your life how you see fit. You see bucking mother culture is a difficult and painful thing to do. Yet trans people do more than just flip the man the bird. Either because the pain was too great or the desire too strong, trans people reject the authority of the bathroom sign and all their power, they reject the pink or blue symbolism, and pursue a life that is their own making. It is a difficult road, somewhat more difficult because we don't listen to road signs either, in general we are anti-sign in nature. Let me see if I can sum up my take on freedom.

It is my life, I'll live it how I see fit

Now before I'm accused of being a completely heartless and selfish bitch, I must point out that this is pure freedom. Humans in our wondrous collective living invented ethics, so as to help us live with one another. Ethics changes the pure freedom into: it is my life, I'll live it how I see fit; so long as I do not infringe on the ability of others to live their lives how they see fit. That caveat pretty much sums up ethics. I can't see why all the philosophers have such a hard time anyway with ethics.