Alex this is your life continued

15 until 22 where the hardest times of my life thus far gender wise. On the outside I was happy and carefree, successful and confident; inside I was falling apart. After one too many fights in public school, my parents sent me to Catholic Central. Dress code, religious indoctrination, the whole nine yards. The smaller school was nice, I had a chance to start fresh, stop trying to be top dog with my fists. I embraced Catholicism, and even went on poverty relief missions to Mexico. Sports were still a big part of my life. I received 11 letters in football, track, and wrestling. I stopped being violent, and became the crazy will do just about anything free spirit. I was pretty popular, being the big jock around campus.

I didn't work very hard at school, didn't have to. I did just enough homework that when I aced the tests I maintained a B- average. Although I still can't spell to this day. Bless you creator of spell check.

I was still trying to hide my gender issues even from myself with sports. I was trying to do enough masculine things so that I would actually like being a man. I was very good at sports too. I received All-State honors in football, and led my team to a state title in 95. Eventually, my performance in football led to scholarship offers to college, but I get ahead of myself.

Add to that I immersed myself in Christianity. I started thinking that my feelings were sins, and I hated myself for my thoughts. At one point I convinced myself that my feelings were a test from god, and god would not give me anything i could not handle, so I just needed to pray more and fight my desires. It was very destructive mentally. I spent many nights crying myself to sleep. Even with that much shame going on in my head I still cross dressed when I was alone at home. Sometimes at night I would pack a backpack and climb out my window, walk to the park change clothes and just swing on the playground. The shame and self hate would always come back and I would though out all my girl cloths.

Funny story looking back. Once I used my mothers nighttime face lotions after she went to bed. I fell asleep without returning them. She came to me in the morning demanding to know why I had them. I could just not bring myself to tell her the truth, so I said I used it to masturbate. Oh was she mad, but at least my secret was safe. that was the kind of links I would go to so that no one, even those that loved me would not know my shame. things went on like this for several years.


During my teen years I was actually an attractive young man, I lifted weight and was in good shape. However, my early dating life was a wreck. Girls I was attracted to became friends instead of girlfriends. I think I just never gave off the right vibe. I could never just be myself, I mean how could I really.

At 17 the best thing in my life happened, I met a girl on the bus to a track meet: Jamie. Funny how things work, I was friends with a boy named Pete, and she with a girl named Cathy. Pete liked Cathy and Cathy liked me, so the four of us hung out a lot. As I knew Pete liked Cathy I spent time talking with Jamie.

She is great, Smart and witty, goofy and clumsy, because I was just making conversation so my friend could hit on the other girl I was just myself. And she liked me. we started dating soon after.

Being with Jamie was great. But also very VERY confusing. I liked her, I was attracted to her, but I also felt like I was a girl. Girls like boys. I love Jamie, she is the best thing to ever happen to me, but I think dating her really stunted my coming to terms with who I am. I would not change the delay for anything in the world. I love you Jamie!

Last life story up next ...
Alex