Girls Night

So like six friends and I had a girls night last night. it was so much fun, we talked about all kinds of things made fun of each other, shared openly ... and I got to thinking just how much men put women on edge. I have always known that patriarchy makes what men say seem more important or at least drowns out women's opinions, but I was still ignorant as to just the amount of ideas and positions that simply go unvoiced in the presence of men. Is this due to women being under appreciated, or fear of being drown out, what ever the reason there are smart women everywhere that just smile and let men do the talking. I hoe I never do that! Last night was an eye opener and a resurgence in my mind of the importance and necessity of feminism and women's voices.

I think the best place for me to start is with my friends, to encourage my female friends to be more vocal and opinionated ... if we end up being bitches, at least we will be bitches with voices and not the silently oppressed.

Education and activism

I never saw myself as the activist type. One of those people that care so much about an issue that it consumes them to the point where they toss red paint on people wearing fur, picket outside doctors offices, riot at G8 summits, drive tiny little boats in front of whaling ships, or in anyway think tea bagging was political outside frat party politics, yet I seem to be becoming more and more politically active here at MSU. I guess what consumes me is that the life I lead has just so much ignorance surrounding it, that even when people take the time to consider trans issues they only know stereotypes and hateful propaganda. Even when organizations do talk about LGBT issues for tolerance reasons, there is just so many trans type things no one talks about. Oh surgeries and the process of changing from one gender to another, yeah people will talk about that, but the actual lives and experiences of trans people ...... there is just this empty void in the dialogue.
With this in mind I guess my activism is an educational one, where I share my lived experience with others, where I put a face and person next to the category. I began involvement with the MSU LGBT panel discussion group. Basically, when a class, residence hall, organization, or business wants to talk about gay stuff they put in a request and 3-4 people show up to talk about issues and experiences LGBT people have faced. I did my first panel this last Wednesday, and was fairly nervous, not in the answering of their questions, I have done that for lots of people lots of times, but in being the face for an entire group of people not often interacted with by the straight community.
Sure I'm a transgendered bisexual girl, but I wonder if I can really capture and pass on the all the drama, good and bad, that it means to have those labels. I tell myself that if I don't do it then more people will remain ignorant, but I fear that any misstep on my part, any testimony that is unique to me and not transpeople in general, will be what gets associated with all transfolk for the people I talk to. I never really saw myself as an activist, but with so much misinformation out there, even if I stumble it is probably better than nothing at all.
So, as i walked away from my first panel group, I smiled to myself, and hope that in some small way I can make a difference in the world, so that someday I can be an equal citizen in this country that I love, that I am a Veteran of her military to protect freedoms that I currently don't have, that people can see and understand a little bit better why all of us gets to live our lives how we see fit. I don't think I will be tossing paint anytime soon though.

1 year and moving on

okay, so it has been a year since I was divorced. It has been a hard year for me, I'm back at MSU, and actually made a pretty nice group for friends and aquainences. I've started lightly dating, but most of that blows up in my face because I just can't seem to trust people like I used to, like I want to, like I need to to have a meaningful realationship. My return to MSU has reopened my eyes to optimism, and I am launching myself at life again (just watch a history on rocketry and see how many blew up) I am going to commit to adding to this blog once a week. We shall see how life goes from here.

Kira makes little girls cry

So I was visiting my friend Kira in Kansas last week and we decided to go to the amusement park Worlds of Fun while I was there with our other friend Liz. I love rollercoasters so it was a great time. The three of us walk up to the next waiting line behind two tiny girls, they looked like they were 12 but were likely a bit older. As we approached they were facing each other gibbering on as young girls do. The two gave us a cursory glance at our approach their eyes drifted over me and became like saucers; immediately they turned so their backs faced us and began whispering and giggling. To be fair I have no idea what they were talking about. Perhaps they found conservative economic policy as absurdly humorous as I do, but I suspect not. Myself, I have kinda gotten used to this type turn and snicker, my friends however have not, or at least do not have the patience or good humor that I do. Kira invaded their personal bubble standing right behind them staring, more drilling a look of contempt deep into the back of their heads. The whispers ended. She did this the entire time we were in line for the coaster. For 20 minuets Kira beamed hate at the girls and slowly the line moved. As one boards a rollorcoaster there is generally a place to set belongings they one does not wish to be lost during the ride, and it was here Kira came face to face with them. She grinned, almost a Cheshire cat grin, but not so nice. After placing backpacks in a the wooden bin, everyone boarded the coaster. The ride was a blast, I think Liz hit a new octave no human has reached before, but dogs are familiar with. We exited the ride, and Kira ran, not kidding ran to the bin to meet the girls again. With the same mocking grin fixed on them the girls retrieved their things. Kira was holding up the top of the wooden bin, and as soon as the girls had their belongings she dropped the lid slamming it shut. I haven't seen many people run that fast. We had a good laugh was we finished up our day at the park.

I can pass a couple hundred or even a thousand people in a given day, and it only takes one transphobic asshole to ruin my day. Some part of me knows that the small minded are a minority, but I will say it is awful nice when you have friends that will back you up, people to lean on when you need them. I love my friends!!!

Holy Crap I havea blog n shit

Okay quick update then. The last year has been a real bitch FML, but I think I see some light at the end. I have a new apartment I'm moving into on the 23rd and am going back to school for a second bachelors degree. Guess what it is really hard to find a job in this shitty economy with a degree in philosophy, just so you know. SO i guess it is a fresh start for me after all the shit. More rants and exposition on life to come never fear.

SINGLE

As of Monday October 26, 3:26pm I am single. Or I guess divorced, but hell I've never been big on labels. I'm glad that seeing as I had no choice in the matter that it is over now, sad that I had to loose so much that I care about and love to be the me I need to be. -sigh-

I think the amount of friends I have that are in town has reached a whopping 0, and it is kinda depressing thinking about the sheer numbers of people that have vacated my life since I came out. Mind you that no one wants to be that "You're a trans weirdo freak, and I never want to talk to you again" open kind of bigot, people just don't seem to have the time to return phone calls are hang out anymore, and then one day you realize you haven't talked to so and so for over four months, and are probably not really friends anymore. -double sigh-

Things are not all bad, I have a great group of friends online, and although it kinda does lack the human interaction that non interweb friends have, I love these girls a lot, and count them as the real deal friendships. And people said I was wasting my time playing World of Warcraft :)

Anywhoo, I will try to update this more often than every time I get divorced.... so until then take care.
Alexandria

falling apart

It has been several weeks now since my wife left me. Nothing has changed for me. It appears as though my life has been put on pause. This is the main reason for my lack of updating this blog, today could easily be early July and I could not tell the difference. I somehow need to get out of my apathy. I need to find something to care about again. Something.

Wrong argument

Today I was chatting with a friend of mine about how successful (or unsuccessful) the gay movement has been lately. Like a lot of conversations along these lines we got bogged down for a bit in the choice/not-a-choice debate. So long as this is an issue it slows down the movement; and the problem with it is that it doesn't even matter what the truth of whether or not gayness is a choice even turns out to be.

When I said this he was like, "but if it is not a choice then people need to accept it, because that is just how we are". Yes, this is the traditional logic behind it, and it has caused those who oppose gay civil rights to create less than credible Research (kind of like the stuff the tobacco companies used to come up with) to say that homosexuality is a choice. The response needs to be, "SO WHAT"

A quick review of American civil rights does in fact come up with a list that is dominated by things people generally can not change: race, ethnicity, country of origin, sex (hehe this one is funny to me). Then there is one more. Religion! Now, whatever anyone thinks about ontological claims the various religions claim, one can not miss the fact the people can CHOOSE to be whatever religion they want. In fact, one could be a different religion every day of the week, not that this ever happens. So we are left with a question. What does religion have in common with the other "immutable" characteristics on the list?

Self identity! All of the things that people should not discriminate other by are fundamental components of ones self identity. Even religion, the obvious choice, is still at the core of who some people are. to deny them this, or oppress them for their choice, would be harming a fundamental part of who they are as people. As such, we can see how this is hurtful and wrong.

One only needs to see on pride parade to understand just how fundamental sexuality is to the self identity of the gay community. In fact it is the only thing that separates us from the heteros. As a fundamental part of who we are, oppressing and denying civil rights to the gay community is wrong for the same reason that oppressing Muslims, or Christians would be wrong.

I believe straight folk have a hard time empathising with, and thus supporting, the gay movement because the conversation generally does not turn to those things we have in common, instead focusing far to much on our small differences. Everyone understands self identity, for without it we are not persons. As such, I think we can get more straight folk to understand that, choice or no, opposition to a group of people fighting for their self identity and civil rights is wrong. We need to move the dialogue in a new direction; a direction that will allow more people to understand just what we are doing.

Alexandria

Harry Potter, and the deepening sadness

Okay harry potter came out this weekend, and I'm sure it is a good movie. When the books first came out I thought they were just children's books and did not pay attention for a few years. Jamie however loved them. Because my partner really enjoyed the story I got involved. I stood in line for hours at book release parties, went to see the movies the night they came out, hell I even went as Ron to a Halloween party so the Jamie could be Harmione. Even our cat was named Crookshanks. I ended up liking the story, and we would listen to the books on CD on long car rides, and as background noise for our apartment when going to sleep.

Now, the new movie is out, and I'm no longer with Jamie. I asked her if she wanted to go with me to see it, it could be the start of our friendship after our romantic relationship was over. She said she would think about it, but never called me back. I kinda want to still go, I know I could find someone to go with, it is just that this was something we always did together. Just another reminder that my life is never going to be the same. Better, worse, I don't know, but never the same.

well, life goes on, and I am not too bent out of shape over this, just noticing things are different now. Until next post

Alex

it is a start

today I got up, and went for a run. It is something that I have been meaning to do for some time, but we all know what they say about good intentions. So I just did it. I didn't keep running for the whole 2 miles, but tomorrow is another chance at it. I'm still all messed up inside, this kinda hit me unexpectedly. I guess the one that gets left doesn't always see it coming. Anyway, it gets me out of bed, work off some tummy, and makes me clean myself up for the day. Wow, even the little things like that are hard right now.

I went to see Jamie's parents last night. They were very supportive as I knew they would be. They are great people and I will miss them very much. We talked,cried,and laughed a little bit. Even though J and I were only married 3 years, we were together for 14, and her family was there for that whole time too. I am loosing much more than just one person here.

Later in the night i called Jamie's brother (her only sibling) that I have known since he was 9. He will always be like a little brother to me. Over the last two years Jamie kept talking me out of telling him about me, I wish I would have ignored her. I could tell it was hard on him to get flooded with all this information so fast and over the phone. Oh well can't change the past. He is coming into town in a few weeks and we have plans to grab a beer.

One foot in front of the other for now
Alexandria

what a shitty month

My life has taken a complete dump. three weeks ago I needed to walk out on my job; my boss and very old friend was cheating me out of pay. That influenced a new bout of depression, but I have started therapy on that.

The cat Jamie and I have had for a long time finally lost her struggle with heart disease. Jamie and her mom put her down on Monday. She was 14 and had a good long full life where she met lots of people and had lots of love. 14 years is a good run for a cat.

Things between my wife and I became strained until she just did not want me around anymore. We finally discussed it in a series of talks over three days. What came out of it was that she was just not in love with me anymore, and that I was not, and in some cases was incapable, of meeting her needs anymore. She is a straight woman, and being married to a transsexual was in the end just too hard.

Although, it is a massive blow to me I do understand where she is coming from. She tried very hard to be with me. Although she knew I was trans before we got married, she did not know when we started dating or when we fell in love. The whole thing was really unfair to her. I love her enough that I do not want her to be with me if I, and our relationship, is the cause of so much pain to her.

Now I have no job, no wife, and no direction in my life. What I do have is a whole crapload of paralyzing emotions. I just don't know how to take that next first step. I am sure I will find the path soon, just not today.

Fourteen years is a good run
Alex and Jamie (10 May 1995 - 7 July 2009)

Back from the dead

I wasn't dead just really tired most nights when I got home from work. Alas, my time at the boat shop is over. I never liked working as a boat mechanic, but we needed the money, so I sucked it up and turned the wrenches. That time is over now; not because we have any more money, but for the fact that I was being cheated at work. I refuse to let people take advantage of me, even if those people are my supposed friends.

My pay had gotten leaner and leaner as the summer moved along, even though I was doing more work. I was confused. I trusted my boss, who was a personal friend of mine since junior high. I mean friends do not cheat each other, especially good friends! I work between 40-50 hours a week, but my last payment was only $150, it just dosn't make sense. I made $$ at 20% labor hour on the jobs I did. Labor was $97 an hour, I should make decent money. Last Saturday he was not in, and I was trying to determine how much I was owed. One job in particular stood out as odd. It was an engine swap and conversion to a long shaft outboard motor, to do this you have to replace the shift shaft that is located under the powerhead. That means the whole motor has to come apart. I did the job. On my pay sheet it said labor of .75 hours. WTF! I consulted the master mechanic about how much he would charge for the job, and he came up with about 2.5 hours. Paying me less than 1/3 was just crazy, so even in this ecconomy I had to leave. Fuck my life!

Now my hands are finally clean for the first time this summer, festival season is next week, but I don't know how we are going to pay the rent, or any other bills for that matter. I will try and be more dedicated to updating, at least once a week.

Alex

Ben Stein, Reason eludes you, your'e expelled for being dangerous

I was at the movie rental store last night and saw that Ben Stein's movie eXpelled was on DVD now. I actually saw that movie in the theater, I love arguments, and intellectual pieces even if I don't agree with them. I watch "the other sides" arguments to see if they have any merit, and to keep up on how the dialogue of interesting issues is coming along, even if most programming today is directed at people who already agree with a position than giving reason to think a position is correct. See Fox news, and MSNBC for prime examples of directed content. On a side note sort of along these lines I had to go to the independent small theater to see Religilous by Bill Maher, while Stein's movie was in the major cinema. That's what I get for living in a conservative part of the country, oh well, not too big a deal.

As I stood in the movie store I remembered expelled as being one of the most intellectually dishonest films I had seem in quiet some time, maybe ever. It is never a good sign when you compare and make direct allusion to those who disagree with you being Nazis, or the fact that well over 90% of scientist agree with evolution theory with the Berlin wall. Come on, good propaganda is more subtle Ben.

It is not the fact that Stein made such a terrible film, but the fact that so few people actually know how to make rational arguments. I thought Stein was a reasonable intelligent man before this film. This of course goes hand in glove with Stein's anti-intellectual contempt. Really, why is it that so many American hate those who received an education, those that might just know what they are talking about instead of going with the gut? America was founded during the enlightenment, a time when a major part of entertainment was debates, and going to an establishment having a drink and discussing contemporary ideas of science, politics and philosophy. I guess American Idol hadn't been invented yet.

It saddens me today that all ideas get lumped together in a smorgasbord of pick and choose, where all ideas are equally valid. A world where, "well that's what I believe" gets people off the hook for holding moronic and dangerous ideas. I'm not a superstitious person, and if peeps could somehow segregate their beliefs into religious (private, and not to be forced on others), and public (ideas that are used to vote on public policy) I'm cool with that. It doesn't happen. Nope, the religious want prayer in public schools and everywhere else, abortion made illegal, even though they know such a thing would lead to the deaths of many women, that we pretend creationism is a science, oppression of gays and women, Christianity is the only religion that matters, and I know I'm leaving other equally destructive positions out but there is a sampling of how religion is dangerous.

Even worse religion masks itself as an authority on morality. You think all those peeps fighting to have the 10 commandments placed on government property is innocent. Only two of the ten commandments are actually illegal in the U.S., and I guess I have enough respect for humanity to think we can come up with: don't steal my shit and I will not kill you all on our own. Yeppers, theft and murder, I don't know how we would have come up with that without talking snakes, and guys that walk on water. Thanks religion!

This stuff was plausible and even acceptable in a time before we figured out why it rained, and other natural phenomenon. People need answers to things, and religion gave the ancients those answers. We however know the truth; we do not have the same excuse. Thor doesn't make thunder and lightning. It is time we grow up, stop the anti-intellectualism, read a nice book, and enter into grown up conversation.

Ah I feel better
Alexandria

Frozen fish, and Richard Gere

After a hot shower, i think my fingers work well enough to type. My friend mike and I finished up early at the boat shop where we work today, and decided to go perch fishing. After months of Michigan winter, the now ice free Muskegon lake called to us. Unfortunately no one told the wind blowing in off Lake Michigan that it is supposed to be spring now, and the wind chill dropped a nice 51 degree day into a 20 degree bone rattling hypothermia inducing, hand numbing couple hours out on the water. We still caught some nice fish, and although cold was nice to be outdoors again. until my cell phone rang.

My old roommate and good friend from college called. Dave is getting his PhD in philosophy from South Florida (the golden bulls), but for the last few days he has been playing hooky to got to half a dozen spring training baseball games. I guess today was New York vs Boston, and he had VIP seats. In the Tampa sun, drinking cold beer, watching a game, while I am narrowly holding frostbite at bay in Michigan. I might have hung up on him in contempt if my thumbs had worked at the time.

The coup de grace happens when he says that on his way to get his sixth, yes 6th FREE pregame beer, he meet and chatted about the upcoming season with Mr. pretty woman himself Richard Gere. Oh and Reggie Jackson and some other baseball players I don't remember their names.

HeHe, I'm glad you had fun Dave, and I'm only a little jealous, mostly of the warm weather; but should you ever get tickets to Red Wings training camp and I'm not there you had better take that secret to the grave with you, or I just might hasten you there. I'm going to eat some tasty pearch now.

Love you Dave
Alexandria

Therapy, Gatekeepers, and Other Bullshit

I'm about to start with a new therapist again next month. Third one in three years. This new one is because of the move, I am not driving from Muskegon to Ann Arbor to see my old talky doc that is almost three hour drive. So I'm finding a new one; not because I really want one or need one, but these are the steps trans people take to get what we want later down the road.

I'm not opposed to talky docs in general, it can really help some people to work through their emotional baggage, but what do you do if you don't have anything to talk about? I know, "Alex your trans how can you not have stuff to deal with?" Well sorry to disappoint but I went through a real self introspection all by my lonesome a few years back. (when I had the drinking problem, or just after that I guess) I worked through any remaining gender issues I had, stopped drinking and using drugs as escapism, and in general got my head on straight. But somehow, NOW I need therapy and it is all the gatekeepers fault.

Gatekeepers: the well intentioned medical community that is more of a hindrance than an aid.

These are the people we turn to to help us live the lives we desire, we need, to be complete people. Unfortunately, the sad fact is that they think we are liars. Oh they smile to our faces, but a close observation leads to the conclusion that they don't believe us. Consider birth defects of the limbs and severe burn cases. A person with a malformed hand or leg is not forced to submit to years of psychotherapy before they can even get a surgical consult. If someone gets burned and no longer feels they look the way they want to look, they do not have to see multiple psychologists before they receive reconstructive plastic surgery. Yet these are the hoops that transsexuals are forced to jump through. They real question is: why the difference? They think we are full of shit.

I've experienced it a few times, the claims that others just can understand what it would be like to be transsexual. Seriously, there are like dozens of comedy movies about gender switches and the rather funny emotional distress the switch puts on people. So lets face it, people know what it would be like, and they know that it can be harmful to live that way. Why then the charade. The truth is that people don't believe the transgendered community. They either think we are confused, with some unresolved childhood trauma, gay people that can not come to terms with homosexuality, or just kinda pervy. Even those with good intentions don't take us seriously.

Because transgenderism HAS to be in our heads, they come up with a mental health diagnosis, and drop us in therapy, hoping to all hopes we might just snap out of it and decide to go with the gender that corresponds to our biological sex. I've met and talked to many a transperson, and the only ones that ever stopped did so so that she could put food on the table. I get it. Transsexuality is a hard pill to swallow when normalcy and conformity are valued so highly, but I would like to see just a little bit of academic honesty out of the medical community. Maybe its the money.

Therapy to talk about things you already know before walking in the door, costs between $200-$75 dollars each session, a few times a month for several years. $4800-$1800 bucks a year seems like a mighty good idea to extend therapy as long as possible. Hell I'm a wee bit jaded, but that a lot of money.

Look if therapy helps some people out or gives them a warm fuzzy, and someone to validate how they feel with a diagnosis, all well and good, but fuck Harry Benjamin for this one size fits all treatment designed after shoddy research. Therapy just costs me money and time and I am in limited supply of both. I recall spending 45 min talking about women in sports that cost me $125. *Sigh*

Off to do the bidding of the man
Alexandria

Civics is more than a 6 week elective

J and I had a brief stop over at the in laws tonight. I don't remember how it came up but civics being taught in schools bounced around our discussion for a bit. Apparently one teacher in the school where my mother-in-law works (she is also a teacher there) is teaching civics during homeroom. The kids learn about government no where else in the school.

YAY for no child left behind! So long as the test scores in math reading and science stay up, who gives a shit if Joe the plumber doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground. World history is not just the Boston tea party. The Pilgrims where not American. and Rosa Parks was more than just a tired lady who didn't want to move. You hear it all the time, people can't name the three branches of government, let alone the name of even three supreme court justices.

Lets assume high school still teaches civics to seniors for one class one semester. WOW! For all the bullshit reasons people toss around about why our country is the way it is, maybe not teaching the younger generations how the government works, what their rights are, and how things got to be the way they are could be a real cause behind the apathy in civic action.

We need to carry civics beyond school, and live them. Take the action we need in life to make our world a better place. Maybe I am more sensitive being one of the most oppressed groups in the U.S., but taking part in our democracy (representative republic actually) is all of our responsibilities. Take action. Take action even in small ways to be the change you want to see in the world.

Okay Redwings are about to start
Alex

My mother loves me enough to cause me pain

Short post today, I don't feel all that well. This is mostly due to the fact that I have one less tooth than I had this morning. The dentist pulled out one of my wisdom teeth that was causing my some sleepless nights. Because I'm uninsured my mother helped pay for the extraction, now I'm bleeding and a wee bit high.

Funny thing is, having no insurance is better than having bad insurance. I looked into getting my teeth fixed last year when Jamie still had an upper level job at MSU. (Michigan State) Our co-pay ad out of pocket cost was about $1500. Sorry we didn't just have that much cash just lying around the house, so it didn't get done. Now I have no insurance so programs for the insured cut the cost to $380, and not I have better teeth, or at least one less of them. Wow, is all I can say when people without coverage can get the care they need, and people with coverage get nothing.

Well, until I feel better
Alex

Ah the kids

My sister has three children 14 year old twins (B&G) and a 12 year old girl. The last few years of high school they lived with my parents and I. We are very close. So after talking to my sis last week, Jamie and I had dinner with them tonight and I told them about my plans and my gender status.

I was a bit nervous I will admit. I have never told anyone that is not an adult before this. It was unclear how much preexisting information they had, and how they would react differently than adults. They took the news in stride, asked a few questions, and we had a few laughs.

I was bad. I started by telling them about how people are different, and talked a bit about genetic variation and birth defects. I paused and said, "I only have three months to live!" My nephew broke the plastic fork he was holding. We all laughed hard. It lightened the mood and I when on to explain transition, and what to expect. Then we ate pie, and played some card games.

The most common question from anyone I tell has always been, and was again tonight, about whether or not Jamie and I will stay together. Jamie is a straight woman, but when we talk it is clear that what she loves about me is a lot more than my sexy male exterior. Love is a deep and complex thing, and love goes more than skin deep. I hope I give no impression that my transition is no big deal, but love isn't always easy. Hell, life is not always easy, but you know that.

Today was a pretty good day overall, until next time
Alex

Transsexual: no true Scotsmen

I'm kinda miffed right this sec. Just scrolling through some feminist forums I browse now and again, and there is a thread on Transwomen. Okay cool. I start following the posts and bam, "Transwomen aren't real women." The conversation becomes derailed after that, but a lot of people seemed to agree. Now whatever one thinks about trans women in general aside, the comment is fallacious anyway.

Most people recognize that gender is socially constructed. This is why tribal women, European women, Asian women, and Canadian women act generally different from each other in specific ways. Their roles in their society are slightly different, as are pastimes and interests. Even what makes there different women attractive varies over cultural lines. Very obvious, and not too much disagreement. So, I think I can conclude that there is a broad spectrum of womanliness that encompasses all these different groups and behaviors. That's a pretty big umbrella. Even inside particular cultural groups the interests and behaviors of women vary considerably. Moreover there are numerous outliers found in only the genetic female XX grouping.

I think Transwomen are just one more group that fits under that big ass umbrella.

The argument put forward on the forum went something like: transwomen aren't women because.

• Can't have babies
• don't have the right sex organs
• don't naturally produce estrogen
• are not XX chromosomal
  
• are really just men
  

There were the points I found on in the specific thread, I know there are more. First, the first four are about being female, not women. I don't believe I have a magic chromosome wand, I will always be male in sex, can't change that just biology. problem is, we aren't talking about sex, but rather gender, and as I pointed out above, gender is created, not birthed. Not to mention that fact that many XX women can't, for one reason or another, do those things either. Some women are XO chromosomally. Ah, biological diversity doesn't play by our dichotomy rules, gotta love it.

The last one falls into the no true Scotsmen fallacy. Basically one redefines the term Ad hoc after a counter example is presented. It goes like follows.

Claim:
"No Scotsman puts sugar on his porridge".

This is countered with:
"My friend Angus is a Scotsman and likes sugar with his porridge".

The following rejoinder to this exception is:
"Ah yes, but no TRUE Scotsman puts sugar on his porridge".

The oddest part of the whole exchange was the readiness the posters had to the removal of transmen from their ranks. Oh well, just another example of transphobia I guess. I just wish people that the courage to be bigoted. I dislike the klan as much as the next girl, but at least they are honest about it. Don't use terrible reasoning to mask predjidice it just doesn't work. Oh well, I guess people can think whatever the hell they want, even if they are wrongheaded about it.

until next time
Alex

Alex this is your life the conclusion thus far

This post might not be for the squeamish. I hit rock bottom, and tales of attempted suicide are never part of polite dinner conversation. I pulled myself out of it and here I am, so there. Well here goes. During high school I convinced myself that as long as I kept moving and striving for maleness eventually it would come to me. Oh, I can play the part of a man really really well, years of copying the behavior of others will do that. Humphrey Bogart has nothing on my acting skills.

The maleness I was seeking never materialized, the trying just left me in pain. After i graduated high school, I moved on to college. with several school vying for me to play football for them I had some options. I ended up going to Ferris State. At the time it was a division two national title contender. I could have played at a major program, but I wanted to be the big fish as accolades from others were the only thing holding me together by then.

College sucked. There was nothing wrong with it, there was something wrong with me. When not practicing and going to class, I was left alone in my room with my thoughts. My family and Jamie were back in Muskegon, and I could just not shake the thought in my head when I was alone. I fell into a pretty good funk. I would play on the Internet in the computer labs (oh yeah, Netscape was my friend). Sitting in the back near the wall so no one could look over my shoulder, I looked into what the net had to say about me. It was enlightening, but every time I was in a chat room (hehe remember those things) talking to people about transgender stuff, I would always hate myself when I was done.

Eventually this let to the biggest shame purge ever, well for me anyway. College football must not be manly enough, so I quit. I still have minor regret about this, I was a good ball player, and now I will never know just how good. Don't worry, it doesn't keep me up nights. I quit football. I quit going to class. I failed every class but one. I got an A in intercollegiate athletics somehow.I quit my life. I needed to find something super manly, I needed to fix myself. I joined the army.
Not just the army, I joined the infantry. To get into the army you have to take a test called the asvab Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery (ASVAB). I think I missed one question. Every single job in the U.S. Army was available to me. I chose the infantry. I wanted to be an elite ranger, jumping out of planes and all that. Surly this was manly enough to fix me.

Basic training was a breeze, I finished top in my class, got a promotion on the spot. Did I get a cool ranger training post, or maybe SF? Nope. It was off to Ft. Irwin CA for me. hottest place on earth, seriously it is, it shared a border with Death Valley. It is in the middle of the Mojave desert. My job was to be part of the force that trained the rest of the army in large scale battles. I think the desert baked my brain, I was there 3 1/2 years.

I wasn't long after I got to Ft. Irwin that I came to realize this plan had failed too. Unlike football however, the army just don't let you quit. So I'm in the army, still feeling like a girl, only this time there are room inspections, so I can't even cross dress much. Instead I started drinking.

A typical day started a 6:15 with roll out formation for PT. push-ups sit-ups and a 3-5 mile run. go to work in the motor pool and get done at 1700h. I go to the class 6, military for liqueur store, but a case of beer, rent a movie and start drinking. Everyday. when I wasn't drunk I would do drugs. The army piss tests all the time so my drug of choice was LSD. I got into the rave circuit in LA and Vegas pretty good. guess what? Yeppers, it didn't work either. A bunch of my friends got real messed up from the drugs and alcohol, most got caught and either kicked out or lost rank and received extra duty.

One night when I was feeling partially puny, I drank a case of beer, a pint of vodka, and a handful of pain pills. I laid on my bed and just waited to die, then all the pain would be over. I woke up the next day with a nice headache. My go at killing myself failed, but it got me to thinking about life. Why the hell would anyone want to live with as much emotional pain as I felt? I spent a lot of time thinking about my life and the things that cause me pain. The first to go was my religion. I dumped Christianity and became Buddhist. A very nice religion by the way. I really tore into it. I learned to meditate, I did research on intellectual topics, like the meaning of life and suffering.

Buddhism played a huge role in my accepting myself. Suffering is caused by desires conflicting with your state of affairs. My suffering was because I was a man that needed to be a woman. I worked my way through to self acceptance. It was okay to just be me. I'm not Buddhist anymore, but Buddhist teaching continue to shape my life. I don't really do religion and other superstitions anymore.

I was still stuck in the army for another year, but at least I didn't hate myself anymore. real quick, after I got out of the army, I went back to school. Had to go to a community college as I had all F on my transcripts from Ferris. after two years I transferred to Michigan State, got a degree in philosophy. Made a lot of friends and am quite happy.

I married Jamie almost three years ago, she is the most supportive and loving person I have ever known. She is my rock. I'm taking a few years off to finish transitioning, or at least most of the way, before grad school.

This is my story, and I'm sticking to it
Alex